Re-Branding God

Museful Numinosity

A READER PROTESTS

A reader who calls herself Sally Skeptic wrote me the following email: 

Dear Rob: I sure don’t like so much God stuff mixed into your various writings. And Goddess stuff. What a mess! Can you cut it out, please?  

I understand it’s common for the desperate delusional masses to believe in an Ultra Being, but you? Pul-lease. You’re smarter than that.  

I just can’t abide all the “Divine Wow” and “Cackling Goddess” nonsense you dispense; it doesn’t jibe with the practical, sensible, unsuperstitious, non-mushy world that I hold dear—and that I see represented mostly accurately in your work. —Sally Skeptic 

Here’s my response to Sally Skeptic: 

Dear Sally: I can’t accommodate you. You will have to keep dealing with the cognitive dissonance that arises from reading the oracles of a “smart” person who also has an intimate relationship with You-Know-Who. 

Just so you’re clear about how I perceive the Living Intelligent Consciousness That Pervades Every Cubic Inch of the Universe: It is the interplay of the Supernal NonBinaries: the Divine Wow formerly called “God” and the Blooming HaHa formerly called “Goddess.” 

More precisely, it is the Torrential and Torturous Ecstasy spawned anew every nanosecond by the glide of the Divine YaYa’s virile eternity against the Blooming HaHa’s voluptuous infinity. It is the Cosmic Fuck that recreates the universe again and again in every nanosecond. 

And here’s my place in that great mystery: I seek the highest possible bond with its stupendous delight; I aspire to locate myself permanently in the crux of the flux of the Cosmic Fuck. 

RE-BRANDING GOD

Experiments and exercises
in becoming a bewilderingly enlightened, 
ecstatically grateful Master
of Fiendishly Benevolent Tricks

1. Philosopher Robert Anton Wilson proposed that the single greatest contribution to world peace would come from there being over eight billion different religions—a unique spiritual path for each person on the planet.

The Beauty and Truth Lab urges you to get started on doing your part to make this happen. What will your religion be called? What rituals will you perform? Write down your three core tenets.

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2. You'll also need a new name for the Creator. "God" and "Goddess" have been so overused and abused that most of us are numb to them. And given the spiritual opportunities that will open up for you as you explore pronoia, you can't afford to have an impaired sensitivity toward the Great Mystery.

Here's an idea to stimulate your search: The Russian word for God is "Bog." The Basques call the Supreme Being "Jingo." To purge your psychic dockets of built-up fixations about deity, you might try singing improvisational prayers to "Jingo Bog."

Here are a few other fresh names to inspire you:

Blooming HaHa

Divine Wow

Whirl-Zap­-Gush

Sublime Cackler

Chthonic Riddler

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3. Since ancient times, China has hosted three religions: Confucianism, Buddhism, and Taoism. Many Chinese people have cobbled together a mélange of beliefs gathered from all three. This is different from the Western way, which is to be faithful to one religion or another, never mixing and matching.

But that's changing in certain enclaves in North America, where growing numbers of seekers are adopting the Chinese approach. They borrow elements from a variety of spiritual traditions to create a personalized path. Religious historians call this syncretism.

As you meditate on conjuring up your own unique mode of worship, think of the good parts you'd like to steal from other religions.

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4. Most religions designate a special class of people—priests, rabbis, ayatollahs—to oversee official communications with the Source. This has led to a prevailing assumption, even among those who don't follow an established faith, that we can't initiate a divine conversation without the aid of a professional class of trained mediators. Among some sects of the ancient gnostics, in contrast, everyone was regarded as a potential prophet who could experience epiphanies worthy of becoming part of the ever-­evolving doctrine.

The equivalent today would be if the Bible were regarded as an unfinished text to which every Christian or Jew might be eligible to add new content.

As you create your own spiritual path, experiment with this do-it-yourself approach. What might you do to eliminate the middleman and commune directly with the Source?

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5. The chorus of an old Depeche Mode song goes like this: "I ­don't want to start / any blasphemous rumors / But I think that God's / got a sick sense of humor / And when I die / I expect to find him laughing."

I have a grudging respect for these lyrics. In an age when God has been co-opted by intolerant fundamentalists and mirthless sentimentalists, I appreciate any artist who suggests there's more to the Infinite Spirit than the one-dimensional prig described in the Bible or Koran.

On the other hand, Depeche Mode's notion of the Blooming HaHa is also disinformation. It's as much a hostage to pop culture's knee­-jerk nihilism as the right-wing bigots' God is to their monumental hatreds. One thing I know for sure about the Supreme Being is that while she does have a complicated sense of humor, it's not cruel or vengeful.

Your assignment: Pray to be granted a healing sample of her comedic genius—a funny, unexpected miracle that will free you of any tendencies you have to believe the age-­old lies about her.

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6. Will there be prayer in your new religion? If so, we suggest that you avoid the body language traditionally used by Christians in their worship. The gesture of clasping one's hands together originated long ago as an imitation of being shackled; it was thought to be the proper way to express submission to divine power.

The prayers you make, however, may be imbued as much with reverent exuberance or ecstatic gratitude as somber submissiveness. An example of a more apt gesture is to spread your arms as wide and high as they'll go, as if you're hugging the sky. Any other ideas?

7. What if the Creator is like the poet Rainer Maria Rilke's God: "like a webbing made of a hundred roots, that drink in silence"? What if the Source of All Life inhabits both the dark and the light, heals with strange splendor as much as with sweet insight, is hermaphroditic and omnisexual?

What if the Source loves to give you riddles that push you past the boundaries of your understanding, forcing you to change the ways you think about everything? What if, as Rusty Morrison speculates in Poetry Flash, "the sublime can only be glimpsed by pressing through fear's boundary, beyond one's previous conceptions of the beautiful"?

Close your eyes and imagine you can sense the presence of this tender, marvelous, difficult, entertaining intelligence.

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9. At one point in James Michener's novel Hawaii, a native Hawaiian tells ignorant missionaries, "You cannot speak to the gods with your clothes on." Whereupon he strips and prepares for prayer. Test this theory. Find out if your communion with the Divine Wow improves when you're naked.

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9. "Believing" in God is like "believing" in the taste of fresh-baked bread without ever having tasted actual fresh-baked bread. But what if you could commune with the Divine Wow through up-close, personal encounters that are as vivid as eating fresh-baked bread? Some people have. You could, too. Formulate the intention to do so.

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10. Neither God nor the gods are dead, but they seem to be disappearing because so few of us are capable of carrying on authentic relationships with them anymore. The materialist delusion rules: Millions believe that nothing's real unless it can be perceived by the senses. Churches and temples are full of ethical people, but many of them have no clue about how to know or feel or converse with the divine intelligences.

What can the deities do, having been banished from our conscious knowing? Jung said they have no recourse but to worm their way into our lives as sickness and pathology. Repressed, they come in the back door.

Which of your maladies or pains might be gods in disguise? How might you get them to take off their masks and begin knocking on the front door?

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11. In Letters to a Young Poet, Rilke urged an aspiring bard to change the way he imagined the Supreme Being. "Why don't you conceive of God as an ally who is coming," Rilke said, "who has been approaching since time began, the one who will someday arrive, the fruit of a tree whose leaves we are? Why not project his birth into the future, and live your life as an excruciating and lyrical moment in the history of a prodigious pregnancy?"

How would your life change if you made this idea your working hypothesis?

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12. In The Golden Bough, a historical catalog of magical and religious practices, James Frazer noted that on occasion people have grown exasperated with their god's failure to deliver the desired goods. They may even try to motivate a deity by shaming or abusing him. If the Rain-Bringer has been derelict in his duty, for instance, his statue may be cast out under the hot sun until he shapes up.

A reader sent a letter to the Beauty and Truth Lab about this issue. "After a long stretch of patiently putting up with God's mean-spirited tricks," it read, "I decided I'd had enough. So I fired Him. Now I'm going to create a brand new deity from scratch. Do you have any recommendations on what qualities a truly cool divine being might possess? —The Groggy Awakener"

How would you answer The Groggy Awakener's inquiry?

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13. In some ancient Greek dramas, a god showed up out of nowhere to cause a miraculous twist at a crucial point in the tale. This divine intrusion was referred to as theos ek mechanes, literally "god from a machine," because the symbolic figure of the god was lowered onto the stage by a crane. In modern usage, the term is Latin—deus ex machina—and refers to a story in which a sudden event unexpectedly brings about a resolution to a baffling problem.

Write a tale in which you're the beneficiary of such an intervention.

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14. In Frederick Buechner's book On the Road with the Archangel, the star is the archangel Raphael. This supernatural helper has a tough gig: gathering the prayers of human beings and delivering them to God.

Here's how he describes the range of pleas he hears: "There are prayers of such power that you might say they carry me rather than the other way around. There are prayers so apologetic and shamefaced and half-hearted that they all but melt away in my grasp like sad little flakes of snow. Some prayers are very boring."

I invite you to compose a prayer that's so powerful and entertaining that it could thrill an archangel.

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15. There is no God. God is dead. God is a drug for people who aren't very smart. God is an illusion sold to dupes by money-hungry religions. God is a right-wing conspiracy. God is an infantile fantasy favored by superstitious cowards who can't face life's existential meaninglessness.

JUST KIDDING! The truth is, anyone who says he knows what God is or isn't, doesn't.

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16. Born in the 14th century, Catherine of Siena was an eccentric religious leader whose power was enhanced by her unusual style. No other woman in the history of the Catholic Church, for instance, has ever asserted that Jesus personally gave her his foreskin to wear as a wedding ring. And no one else has invoked the image of nursing from the breast of Christ, as she frequently did in her writings.

And yet these quirks were in part responsible for her huge following, which in turn provided her with enough political clout to convince Pope Gregory XI to move the papal residence from Avignon back to Rome.

Consider making Catherine of Siena a saint or tulku in your new religion. What other irresistible freaks might you select to be sacred role models?

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17. The German word selig can mean "ecstatic," "blessed," or "holy." It implies that profound bliss can be a divine gift; that deep pleasure may generate or come from spiritual inspiration.

The English language doesn't have a term comparable to selig, maybe because our culture regards ecstasy with suspicion. Religious people tend to believe that the blessed are those who are good and kind, certainly not those who are skilled at cultivating rapturous states of union with all of ceation. Many people who worship rationality, on the other hand, think of holy ecstasy as at best an irrelevant state, and at worst a nonproductive or deluded indulgence.

What would you have to do to place yourself in intimate alignment with the values embodied by the word selig?

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18. A Serbian beekeeper shares his deep religious fervor with the insects he spends so much time with. Slobodan Jeftic builds beehives shaped like churches because he believes bees have souls, too.

Draw inspiration from his example. Get together with your favorite animals for a rowdy prayer session. Bark or purr or neigh or chirp together. Run around with holy abandon, expressing primal appreciation for the vitality you've been granted. If you're not currently in an intimate relationship with special animals, then take this as an opportunity to elevate and celebrate the consciousness of your own inner creature.

19. A few years ago, astronomers announced the discovery of a shiny red planet-like world orbiting the sun far beyond Pluto. They called it Sedna, a name they said was derived from the Inuit deity that created the Arctic's sea creatures. But the truth about the myth of Sedna is more complicated.

She is the Dark Goddess, embodiment of the wild female potencies that are feared yet sorely needed by cultures in which the masculine perspective dominates. Dwelling on the edge of life and death in her home at the bottom of the sea, Sedna is both a source of fertile abundance and a mysterious prodigy. Shamans from the world above swim down to sing her songs and comb her long black hair. If they win her favor, she gives them the magic necessary to heal their suffering patients.

I suspect the discovery of Sedna is an omen signaling our collective readiness to welcome back the long-repressed influence of the Dark Nurturer. Do you have room for her in your religion?

Here are some further omens, all of which have pronoia embedded in their dark and fertile musings. 1. Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés. 2. Spiritual Madness: The Necessity of Meeting God in Darkness, an audio CD by Caroline Myss. 3. The Creative Fire, an audio CD by Clarissa Pinkola Estés. 4. My book The Televisionary Oracle. (Read it for free here.)

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20. Thousands of scientists are engaged in research to crack the code of the aging process. Their coming breakthroughs may allow you to live a healthy and vigorous life well into your 90s—and even beyond.

How can you contribute to this worthy cause? What might you do to promote your longevity? Brainstorm about possible strategies.

And now I drink a toast to your coffin. May it be fashioned of lumber obtained from a hundred-year-old cypress tree whose seed will germinate this year.

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21. Let's move on to discuss the possibility that sooner or later, the physical body you inhabit will expire. Your heart will shut down. Blood will no longer course through your veins. The fleshly vehicle you knew as your home for so many years will rot. Is this the ultimate proof, as some people bitterly proclaim, that there is no God and that pronoia is a lie?

I say no. I say that the Creator includes death as an essential part of evolution's master plan. Lifetime after lifetime, our immortal souls take on a series of temporary forms as we help unfold, in our own small ways, the inconceivably complex plot of the divine drama. Each time we die, it's hard and sad to our time-bound egos. But from the perspective of the part of us that has always been and will always be, it's simply part of the epic adventure.

Assume, for argument's sake, that what I've just said is a fact. Describe how different your life would be if you not only believed but perceived the truth that your essential self will never die, but will inhabit many bodies and live many lives on Earth.

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22. In the film Angels in America, the character named Belize describes his vision of heaven. It's not a spotlessly clean gated community where everyone wears white gowns and nothing ever changes.

Rather, it's a "big city, overgrown with weeds, but flowering weeds. On every corner a wrecking crew, and something new and crooked going up catty-cornered to that. Gusts of gritty wind, and a gray, high sky alive with ravens. Piles of trash, but lapidary like rubies and obsidian. Diamond-colored streamers. Voting booths. Dance palaces full of music and lights and racial impurity and gender confusion. All the deities are creole, mulatto, brown as the mouths of rivers."

Inspired by Belize, vamp and riff on your vision of heaven.

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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY For This Perfect Moment

ARIES (March 21-April 19): "Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow talent to the dark place where it leads." So wrote Aries author Erica Jong. Is that true? Is it hard to access the fullness of our talents? Must we summon rare courage and explore dark places? Sometimes, yes. To overcome obstacles that interfere with ripening our talents, there may be tough work to do. I suspect the coming weeks and months will be one of those phases for you, Aries. But here’s the good news: I predict you will succeed.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In October 1879, Thomas Edison and his research team produced the first electric light bulb that was viable enough to be of practical use. In September 1882, Edison opened the first power plant on the planet, enabling people to light their homes with the new invention. That was a revolutionary advance in a very short time. Dear Taurus, the innovations you have been making and I hope will continue to make are not as monumental as Edison’s. But I suspect they rank high among the best and brightest in your personal life history. Don’t slack off now. There’s more work to be done—interesting, exciting work!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I watched as the Thai snake charmer kissed a poisonous cobra, taming the beast's danger with her dancing hands. I beheld the paramedic dangle precariously from a helicopter to snag the woman and child stranded on a rooftop during a flood. And in my dream, I witnessed three of my Gemini friends singing a dragon to sleep, enabling them to ramble freely across the bridge the creature had previously forbidden them to traverse.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The horoscopes you are reading have been syndicated in publications all over the world: the US, Italy, France, Japan, Canada, Mexico, Australia, Netherlands, Russia, Cambodia, Singapore, Hong Kong, Venezuela, Ireland, and Finland. Yet it has never appeared in a publication in the UK, where there are over 52 million people whose first language is English—the same as mine. But I predict that will change in the coming months: I bet a British newspaper or website will finally print Free Will Astrology. I prophesy comparable expansions in your life, too, fellow Cancerian. What new audiences or influences or communities do you want to be part of? Make it happen!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Author Jean-Dominique Bauby wrote, "Today it seems to me that my whole life was nothing but a string of small near misses." If you have endured anything resembling that frustration, Leo, I have good news: The coming months won’t bring you a string of small near misses. Indeed, the number of small near misses will be very few, maybe even zero. Instead, I predict you will gather an array of big, satisfying completions. Life will honor you with bull’s eyes, direct hits, and master strokes. Here’s the best way you can respond to your good fortune and ensure the arrival of even more good fortune: Share your wealth!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Virgo advice expert Cheryl Strayed wrote some rather pushy directions I will borrow and use for your horoscope. She and I say, "You will never have my permission to close yourself off to love and give up. Never. You must do everything you can to get what you want and need, to find ‘that type of love.’ It’s there for you." I especially want you to hear and meditate on this guidance right now, Virgo. Why? Because I believe you are in urgent need of re-dedicating yourself to your heart's desire. You have a sacred duty to intensify your imagination and deepen your willpower as you define what kind of love and tenderness and togetherness you want most.

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YOU'RE A GORGEOUS GENIUS, a miracle unlike any other ever created in the history of the world.

And yet you also have a lot to learn. There are many mysteries to solve about how to become the best version of yourself.

For inspiration in carrying out your sometimes challenging, sometimes glorious work, tune in to my EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four-to-five-minute meditations on the current state of your destiny.

To listen to your Expanded Audio Horoscope online, go to

https://RealAstrology.com

Register and/or log in through the main page.

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The cost is $7 per sign online. (Discounts are available for bulk purchases.)

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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Author Adam Alter writes, "Perfect success is boring and uninspiring, and abject failure is exhausting and demoralizing. Somewhere between these extremes is a sweet spot that maximizes long-term progress." And what is the magic formula? Alter says it's when you make mistakes an average of 16 percent of the time and are successful 84 percent. Mistakes can be good because they help you learn and grow. Judging from your current astrological omens, Libra, I'm guessing you're in a phase when your mistake rate is higher than usual—about 30 percent. (Though you’re still 70 percent successful!) That means you are experiencing expanded opportunities to learn all you can from studying what doesn't work well. (Adam Alter’s book is Anatomy of a Breakthrough: How to Get Unstuck When It Matters Most.)

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Sometimes you Scorpios are indeed secretive, as traditional astrologers assert. You understand that knowledge is power, and you build your potency by gathering information other people don’t have the savvy or resources to access. But it’s also true that you may appear to be secretive when in fact you have simply perceived and intuited more than everyone else wants to know. They might be overwhelmed by the deep, rich intelligence you have acquired—and would actually prefer to be ignorant of it. So you’re basically hiding stuff they want you to hide. Anyway, Scorpio, I suspect now is a time when you are loading up even more than usual with juicy gossip, inside scoops, tantalizing mysteries, taboo news, and practical wisdom that few others would be capable of managing. Please use your superpowers with kindness and wisdom.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Here's a little-known fact about me: I am the priest, wizard, rabbi, and pope of Parish #31025 in the Universal Life Church. One of my privileges in this role is to perform legal marriages. It has been a few years since I presided over anyone’s wedding, but I am coming out of semi-retirement to consecrate an unprecedented union. It’s between two aspects of yourself that have not been blended but should be blended. Do you know what I’m referring to? Before you read further, please identify these two aspects. Ready? I now pronounce you husband and wife, or husband and husband, or wife and wife, or spouse and spouse—or whatever you want to be pronounced.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “You don’t have to suffer to be a poet,” said poet John Ciardi. “Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.” I will add that adolescence is enough suffering for everyone, even if they’re not a poet. For most of us, our teenage years brought us streams of angst, self-doubt, confusion, and fear—sufficient to last a lifetime. That's the bad news, Capricorn. The good news is that the coming months will be one of the best times ever for you to heal the wounds left over from your adolescence. You may not be able to get a total cure, but 65 percent is very possible. Seventy-five percent isn't out of the question. Get started!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A psychic once predicted that I would win a Grammy award for my music. She said my dad and mom would be in the audience, smiling proudly. Well, my dad died four years ago, and I haven’t produced a new album of songs for over ten years. So that Grammy prophecy is looking less and less likely. I should probably give up hope that it will come to pass. What about you, Aquarius? Is there any dream or fantasy you should consider abandoning? The coming weeks would be a good time to do so. It could open your mind and heart to a bright future possibility now hovering on the horizon.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I invite you to entertain the following theory: Certain environments, companions, and influences enhance your intelligence, health, and ability to love—while others either do the opposite or have a neutral effect. If that’s true, it makes good sense for you to put yourself in the presence of environments, companions, and influences that enhance you. The coming weeks will be an excellent time to test this theory. I hope you will do extensive research and then initiate changes that implement your findings.

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